Pissing Contest
by CrystallicSky
Summary: ."Pissing contest - an argument where each participant is merely attempting to outdo the other one, not for the sake of the truth coming out; simply to win." Kimiko inadvertently causes one such contest amongst the Xiaolin and Heylin men. CHACK, ONESHOT


**Pissing Contest  
**

**By: CrystallicSky**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Xiaolin Showdown or any of its characters, nor do I make any profit or attempt to with the writing of this or any of my other pieces.**

Warnings: Language, sexual situations/implications, homosexuality, description of the penis, etc.

**--**

"Ooh… _this_ is awkward…"

Kimiko was entirely correct in her blunt statement, and this was possibly the most awkward thing to ever happen in the combined Xiaolin-Heylin circle.

Moments before, they had come to retrieve a newly-activated Shen Gong Wu, the Staff of Zhou Wang. At the mere _mention_ of it, both Omi and Clay had tensed up and gotten these…really uncomfortable looks on their faces; expressions that matched that of Dojo as he was telling them in the first place. Raimundo had then voiced his confusion with a, "Who's Zhou Wang?" Clay had leaned in close to him and whispered something in his ear, and then the Brazilian had gone bright red and offered a quiet, "Oh," in response.

However, when _she_ asked the very same question, all four males refused to answer her. She pulled out all the stops: she frowned, and bitched, and complained and _still_ no one told her anything! Clay had responded to her questioning by blushing just as Rai had, pulling down the brim of his hat and firmly stating that it wasn't appropriate for a lady to hear.

It wasn't fair! As far as Kimiko was concerned, she had the same right to know what it was they were going after as her fellow monks and to deny her it just because she was a girl was discriminating, sexist, and beyond all, _rude._

The young woman was in a full-blown snit by the time they arrived at their destination, absolutely _put out_ that no one was telling her anything. It was only exacerbated when both Chase Young and Jack Spicer appeared at the Showdown, looking eager to win the Wu (Jack under the pretense of _needing_ it and Chase under the pretense of needing Jack to _not_ have it).

So, what, even the _bad guys_ had more of a right to know what this thing did than her? That was total _horseshit!_

When the actual Showdown had begun, Kimiko had pushed past her male compatriots and _demanded_ to be the Xiaolin representative. They had known better than to argue with her as mad as she was, and so the Showdown ended up being her versus Jack versus Chase.

To the surprise of the other monks, she had managed to win it; not because she had fairly beaten her two Heylin opponents, but because Chase hadn't actually fought her and had merely fended Jack off the entire time.

Clearly, this Wu was powerful if Chase would prefer that even _she_ had it above Jack.

Now that she'd won it, things took their natural course: everyone had refused to tell her what it was and what it did _all day,_ and it was now in _her_ possession.

She tested it out.

Of course, things would've gone better at this particular Showdown _had_ someone told her what it did; that Zhou Wang was the Chinese god of _sodomy,_ or that it was designed to give all male creatures in the immediate radius an erection as a training exercise of desire-control for new monks.

As it was…Kimiko was now blushing furiously amongst the group of five men that now had very visible bulges in their pants and were looking just about as embarrassed as she was.

…well, at least Rai, Clay, and Omi were; Chase was coolly aloof about the whole thing considering his was given a good deal of coverage due to his armor skirting and Jack just plain seemed not to care.

"Nice going, stupid," said goth snorted, looking frustratingly condescending.

"Sh-shut up," she defended, "nobody would tell me what it did, so I…I-"

"You activated it?" Chase finished, cocking an eyebrow. "And what if it'd been a destructive Shen Gong Wu? You could've killed all of us with your carelessness."

The young woman blushed harder and turned to her fellow monks, accusing, "One of you should've told me what it did!"

"But Kimiko," Omi protested innocently, "you are a girl! We did not want to offend your delicate sensibilities with talk of male genitalia-"

"Omi _means,"_ Clay cut in, saving the small monk a fireball thrown in his direction, "that, uh…we didn't want to gross you out by…talking 'bout our…erm…well…"

"Our dicks," Raimundo finished for him. "But y'know, Kim, you shoulda' just told me you wanted me hard for you: I would've done it!"

It had seemed impossible, but her cheeks went even _redder._ "Shut up, Rai," she demanded, "this isn't _about_ you and your smelly little penis!"

"Little?!" the Brazilian exclaimed in outrage. "My buddy _ain't_ little! I'll prove it!"

Before anyone could tell him to _please_ not, Raimundo's pants and underwear were down, revealing his 'buddy.' It was a good-sized cock, about six-inches long with what looked to be a four-inch circumference. It was tan like the rest of him, leaving the question of just where he found the time to sunbathe naked up in the air.

It was the first cock Kimiko had ever seen, and she had to admit, she liked it. "Not bad," she murmured under her breath.

Rai heard the quiet compliment and preened, declaring to the other men present, "Fear my magnificent phallus, puny peons!" He then put his hands on his hips and proceeded to let out an evil cackle worse than any Jack had ever given, and every last person there rolled their eyes.

Oddly enough, it was Clay that stepped up to contend the Brazilian's smugness.

"Now, pardner," he warned, "ya' ought not ta' get so cocky 'bout them kinda things."

"I'll be as cocky as I want," Raimundo contended. _"I_ have a huge _cock!"_

The blond young man frowned. "I didn't wanna have to do this," he began remorsefully, "but somebody's gotta put you in yer place."

To the shock and horror of everyone there, the cowboy unzipped his blue jeans and yanked down _his_ pants, as well, revealing an erect phallus of _at least_ nine inches in length and six in girth.

This was the second penis Kimiko had ever seen, and she liked this one better: it was either something about the fact that Clay didn't shave down there like Rai did and had an attractive dusting of blond pubic hair or the fact that he was _much_ bigger. Probably the second one. "Nice," she found herself impressedly complimenting.

Omi conspicuously remained silent and out of this, feeling decidedly inadequate with his proportionally small cock.

Abruptly, Chase stepped forward. "If we're turning this into a contest," he boldly declared, "then, I have _both_ of you children beat." The warlord deftly whipped aside his armor skirting, undid the tie of his trousers and revealed his own phallus.

Kimiko's jaw nearly dropped at the sight of the third cock she'd ever laid eyes on in her life. It was _big,_ nine-and-a-half inches _minimum_ and thick to boot. Chase, too, did not shave his nether regions, but the hair down there was kept decidedly neater than Clay's had been; leaving a tidy patch of black-green pubes at the base of what was truly a drool-worth cock.

_"Hello,"_ she seemed to greet it with blue eyes fixed upon the genitalia, unable to pull themselves away.

The Evil everlord grinned sharply, obviously proud of his victory as his two other competitors slumped and looked away in shame.

"Pfft, I can do better than _all_ of yours."

Raimundo outright snorted at Jack's claim. "No, you can't," he sneered. "I bet you've got micropenis, or something!"

Kimiko giggled and agreed, "Yeah, you've _got_ to be below average."

Clay remained silent, waiting to see what the goth had to bring to the table.

Chase arched an eyebrow and challenged, "I should sincerely like to see you beat the length of _my_ cock, Spicer."

Jack sniffed, nose in the air. "I will," he declared. His hands fell to his waistline, unbuckling his belt and unzipping his jeans, and the majority of the monks were getting ready to point and laugh.

When the pants came down, however…all present could do no more than gape like total idiots, _dumbstruck_ at what they saw.

What Jack had revealed was…_magnificent._ Truly _magnificent._ It was the largest cock any of them, even _Chase_ with all his years had seen: it must have been _just_ shy of eleven inches, and it certainly lacked nothing in girth. The arch of it was perfect, the pure white skin of it was simply _beautiful,_ and the thatch of fire-red hair at the base of it (good lord, it was _natural!_) complemented it wonderfully…!

Quietly enough that none could hear him, Chase softly muttered, _"Hello…"_

This time, Kimiko's jaw had _actually_ dropped and drool was spilling forth from her lips as she gazed at the gorgeous cock the Evil genius was in possession of. Even as she stared shamelessly, her mind was racing: why had she never noticed how hot Jack was? Sure, he was a little ditzy at times, but he was _rich_ and just _look_ at that thing! She'd never be unhappy again in her _life_ if she had access to _him._

Slowly, the Japanese girl began to approach the goth. "Hey, um…Jack…" she began.

The albino looked at her coolly. "Yeah?"

She nearly swooned at the supremely masculine look he gave her just then. "You're a…teenage boy, right? You must get…um…horny a lot…"

At this, both eyebrows went up. "Yeah…" he slowly confirmed.

"Well, then, how would you like to…that is, I would _love_ to-"

Chase had beat her to the young man and now had one powerful hand locked around his arm. "Spicer," he sternly declared, "you are coming with me."

"What?" Jack blinked. "Why?"

"Why else?" the warlord snorted. "To fuck, obviously."

"What?!" the goth exclaimed. "Like, ten minutes ago, you were doing everything you could to keep me from getting the Wu so I couldn't use it to get you horny enough to fuck me, and now you _want_ to?"

"That was before I was aware of your size," Chase matter-of-factly informed. "Now, do you want me or not?"

Jack thought on it for a total of five seconds. "Hell yeah," he happily replied.

Both Heylin men were gone within a split second, and Kimiko found herself supremely disappointed that the guys attached to the two biggest cocks she had ever seen were no longer there.

There was complete silence for a moment, and then Raimundo immaturely snickered, "Heh, Chase is a size-queen; who knew?"

"Shut up, Rai," Kimiko barked at him. "I am, too, and you can bet your tiny dick that you're never getting with me!"

The most crushed and devastated expression flashed across the Brazilian's face at those words. So depressed by them was he that he didn't even notice when Clay followed quickly after the young lady and chivalrously helped her up onto Dojo, knowing he with his not-tiny dick still had a chance, and Rai simply allowed Omi to pat his leg comfortingly, as if to say, 'It's okay; we're in the same boat, you and I.'

The Shoku leader had never wanted to kill himself more.

**--  
**

**A/N: This is one of the ideas I've had for awhile but had a little bit of trouble actually getting written. As you can see, this is no longer a problem. ;P**

Thanks for reading my weird idea, and I hope you liked it! XD 


End file.
